"To My Debbie"

In the early morn of April tenth

     relieved I breathed a sigh.

A happy ending finally

     when I heard your tiny cry.

The nurse said "it's a beautiful girl"

     the doctor said "she's healthy".

If I'd been living in poverty

     at that moment I was wealthy!

It seemed like time would never pass

     before they brought you in

and I could feel you in my arms

     and touch your fragile skin.

I'd seen so many babies before

     so precious and so small

but of anything I'd ever experienced

     this moment topped them all.

I remember how you sighed and cooed

     and though it was seventeen years away

These memories are so vivid still

     as though it were only yesterday.

I marveled at the miracle I held

     amazed, verifying each tiny part.

Ten little fingers-ten toes too

     I didn't know where to start!

The nurse had taken special pains

     to tie a silky red bow

among your locks of curly black hair,

     Oh! If only you could know-

How much I was filled with pride and love

     as I held your tiny being.

The same young lady, now seventeen

     that in your sleep I'm seeing.

Captions of memories and feelings

     representing the passing years.

And fragments of times I cherish so

     make up a volcano of tears.

Tears I guess, both happy and sad-

     sad because along the way

there were things I should have done and didn't.

     Did I overlook things I should say?

It's important to me for you to have

     the things that left me void.

I want to shelter you from all pain

     though some things you can't avoid.

Other tears represent memories of-

     so many things we've been through.

How ironic the parallels of two lives cross

     as if we were one-not two!

Thank you for all the loving times

     you've brought me over the years.

For countless times of moral support

     that minimized doubts and fears.

It seems I could write forever and still

     not even  begin to touch

on the multitude of feelings I feel

     because you mean so much.

God knew before I knew myself

     that I couldn't be complete

without a daughter like you beside me

     to help me conquer defeat.

To help remind me when I'm feeling

     all reasons for living are gone-

There's a reason more vital than myself

     and for it I must go on.

He knew just how a daughter should be

     how she should look, what she should do

to give me pride in life's highest form,

     that's why God gave me you!  

                                          Love,

                                                   Mom

(Written April 10th, 11th & 12th of 1979)

This poem was written for me for my birthday.  I turned 17 on April 10, 1979.  One month later, on May 8th, my mother was killed in a car accident.

GO ASK ALICE

  Just finished the book Go Ask Alice by  Beatrice Sparks last night.  This is a book that my 16 year old son, who is a freshman in high school was assigned to read in school.  It originally claimed to be the actual diary of a 15 year old girl's decent into drug addiction but has since been discovered to be more a work of fiction.  The book starts just before her introduction into drugs and follows her decent into a world of addicts and addiction, recovery and ultimately death.  It is not a long book, I read it in two days part time.   It is sad though and this girl had the benefit of a loving, forgiving, family.  It was made into a movie in 1973 and there is a website called goaskalice that is a place teens can ask questions and get help that probably arose from the book.  Not a book for young readers as it does deal with drugs, sex, alcohol, etc. but a good book educationally fora little older reader, say 13 or 14 and up depending on the kid and for parents. Glad I read it.  If people could read their teens diaries they might be able to help and understand them more.  I don't believe in snooping through kids things-unless their in trouble-then you do what you have to do to save them.

THE SHACK

I read The Shack by  William P. Young for the first time in 2008.  I have read it twice more since then.  If I was rating this book I would give it a 10.  It was a life altering book for me.  It is the story of a man who has pretty much everything he could want and believes in God until, his youngest daughter is abducted and killed.  He goes through the next several years increasingly more angry with God and doubting his belief all together.  He ends up spending a weekend with God and he asks all the hard questions.  The ones we'd all like to ask, and God answers him.  The author does an amazing job of this.  The book is emotionally draining at times and I had to put it down to really absorb all I'd get from a passage or chapter and then go back and re read it again.  And just when you think you've gone as deep as you can, you are brought deeper.  This is not a book for "surface" level people, it is a book for deep thinkers.  For some, the book starts out a little slow but begins to pick up in about the fifth chapter.

A big controversy exists between the book and the religious community evidently over what I believe to be  superficial reasons.  I think the real reason is because the author emphasizes the value of people and personal relationship with god outside of programs and church.  He doesn't say church is bad but he does stress that that is not what God is about and I think this is the main thing that ruffles their feathers.  But I think he is right, that we have come to substitute church for God and God misses us.

This is my number one recommended read.  For those of you who do not like to read they also make this in audio book.  It's an excellent way to pass time on a road trip or while going to and from work.

I DON'T CALL HIM DADDY

YouTube - I don't call him daddy: "http://youtu.be/Ta0DTKZWVJc"

This song about divorce is so sad and true. It's one of my favorites and I still can't listen to it without getting choked up.

Something I Had Lost

I'd been searching frantically
     for something I had lost.
I didn't know just what it was,
    but for it I'd pay any cost.
Because I was discontented
     and restless deep inside
Nothing around me seemed to go right,
     in nothing could I find pride.
So I went where I could be alone,
     in serenity I thought peacefully.
And i found my journey was over at last,
     because what I had lost was me.

Sue Holms

Don't Judge Too Quickly

It's so easy when things are going good
     to look around and say
"Aren't they foolish to let the problems
     of life bother them each day?
Why can't they overlook the things
     that happen along life's road?"
But sometimes the bad overtakes the good
     and it proves to be too big a load.
But you know that load could be lightened
     if people weren't so blind.
If instead of cutting and knocking down,
     you'd put more effort in being kind.
After all you know, there may come a day,
     when you too are in need of a friend.
And you know if you've given of yourself
     their heart to you they'll lend.
But if you hurt those people today
     when they see you suffering tomorrow,
instead of their heart going out to you
     satisfaction will come-not sorrow.
Satisfaction because they'll remember the day
     when they hurt so bad they could cry
And by deserting them, you made it worse
     You looked and passed them by.

Sue Holms

Why Fight The Tomorrows

Why fight the tomorrows
     they'll come anyway.
They'll come by night
     and they'll come by day.
They'll bring with them times
     of good and bad,
But they'll be the only
     times you'll have.

Why wish for a miracle
     along life's road
to help you carry
     the heavy load.
For if a miracle
     you're waiting to see
you'll still be waiting
     come eternity.

Instead take the days
     as they may fall.
Always remembering
     through it all
That if you'll only
     trust in God
There is no road
     too rough to trod.

Sue Holms

That Certain Touch

The tender times I cherish so,
their worth, to me, you'll never know.
The angry times I so regret,
I hate the pain they bring, and yet,
That certain touch-no words spoken
and all the tension between us is broken.
Don't let us lose that certain touch,
that makes our marriage mean so much.

Sue Holms

Are You Strong Enough?

Do you feel as if today has been
     an extra trying one?
That there's no use to try anymore,
     cause nothing can be done.
Do you feel as if you've done all you know
     that there's no road left to take?
Well if you do, you're not alone,
     but don't make a grave mistake.
Always try to hold your head high,
     tell your heart your 'going on'.
You won't forget your problems today
     and in a year they still won't be gone.
But don't ever say "Life's not worth living"
     even though things are bad today.
Remember the days of laughter and joy
     could the bad be the price you pay?
So pray for the courage you need to go on,
     and then thank God you're alive,
for you can't be weak and make it through life
     are you strong enough to survive?

Sue Holms

You'd Better Pass

It's only human to listen to talk
     but I've found sometimes too
People aren't given the chance they deserve
     or the credit that they are due.
Because you know, there's always some
     who thrive on malicious talk.
They'll place a person in a glass house,
     and stand holding the rock.
I wonder if they, or for that matter, you
     could survive in that house of glass.
If not, when gossip is offered to you,
     You'd best say, "No thank you" and pass!

Sue Holms

My Fellow Man

A person doesn't understand
     the hurt he hasn't known.
The sadness he hasn't experienced
     or the year he hasn't grown.
He always seems to find a way
     to condemn his fellow being
for something he has no conception
     for an experience he's never seen.
And anyone can tell you this
     if ever they've learned to grieve,
A person acts only on what's in his heart
     and sometimes perceptions deceive.
So remember this my fellow man
     if you've a troubled friend
there's no worse feeling than being alone
     so stick by him to the end.
For people are so different
     with troubles on their minds,
But with loved ones trying to understand
     their selves they'll eventually find.

Sue Holms

A Friend

A friend is someone to laugh with
     and someone to cry with too.
It's someone you never have to impress
     in anything you say or do.
And in your darkest moments
     when everything's falling apart,
I hope you'll find comfort in knowing
     that someone feels with your heart.
There's one thing I've found so ironic
     in knowing someone like you
and that's that someone else's hurt
     can hurt as if it's mine too.
So please know I'm there if you want me
     if you don't, I'll understand too
Because what matters most to me
     is what's most important to you.

Sue Holms

Help This Be The Highest Mountain

God help this be the highest mountain,
     I'll ever have to climb.
And help the hurt grow lighter please,
     with the passing time
Because I just don't have the strength
     to climb a mountain taller-
In fact right now I doubt that I
     could even climb one smaller.
I wish you'd help me understand
     as it would help so much,
To know there is a reason why
     when I'm crying for your touch.
He represents a part of you
     and that's confusing too-
How could this have happened when,
     we both believe in you?
If you could somehow show me
     a reason to carry on,
Please do it soon because I find
     my strength is nearly gone.

Sue Holms

God Must Have Known

God must have known there would be times
     we'd need a word of cheer,
Someone to praise a triumph
     or brush away a tear.
He must have known we'd need to share
     the joy of little things
In order to appreciate
     the happiness life brings.
I think He knew our roubled hearts
     would sometimes throb with pain
at trials or misfortunes
     or some goal we can't attain.
He knew we'd need the comfort of
     an understanding heart
to give us strength and courage
     to make a fresh new start.
He knew we'd need companionship
     unselfish-lasting-true
And so God answered the hearts great need
     with cherished friends...like you.

Sue Holms

Little Hurts

Be careful of the little hurts,
     the smallest of them all
can generate resentment,
     that will spread from wall to wall.
Think twice before you hack away
     at dignity and pride.
Remember it's the little things
     that churn around inside.
Don't harbor try-fulling grudges,
     they seem to have a sneaky way
of sprouting ten feet tall
     if they are lived with every day.
Don't under rate a brief caress
     a fleeting kiss or touch.
A gentle little touch that says;
     I love you very much.
For married life at first is like
     a field of virgin earth
and on each little seed you sow
     depends it's future worth.
So give it tender love and care
     and you will surely reap
a harvest full of memories
     to cherish and to keep.

Sue Holms

Thank You

The pain was great-so great
     I thought I couldn't bear it.
Worst of all I felt like
     with no one I could share it.
Time was like an empty cellar
     meaning loss and void.
When someone said "There's reasons"
     it made me feel annoyed.
I believed there was a God
     who listened and loved me.
And time on time I'd ask
     from this pain he'd set me free.
I'd beg that He would give me
     what my heart was crying for.
Then waited for an answer
     only to find that He'd ignore.
Then one day someone made me see
     what I was doing wrong.
I wanted to sing my way
     and make up my own song.
I was saying "Lord give me,
     I just can't live without."
Forgetting through my selfish pride,
     what God is all about.
I got down on my knees
     and said "Oh God forgive,
my lack of humbling myself-
     for losing my will to live.
God carry through with my life
     the plan you had in store.
Forgive me for my selfish prayers
     that I had prayed before.
I do not understand sometimes.
     we have to hurt so bad.
I'm sure to see your children cry
     it makes you too feel sad.
So here I am, though still confused
     I think I'm gonna make it.
Your love was there I only had
     to just reach out and take it.
You, through Jesus, share my pain
     it doesn't quite seem fair,
but I couldn't make it through this life,
     if you weren't always there.
Thank You."

Sue Holms

Is It Worth It

Have you ever found yourself wondering
     what's the purpose of life?
Why have we been placed where we are;
     is it worth all the worry and strife?
Is it worth getting up in the morning
     even knowing the day may hold in store
a hell like no hell you've ever known
     or experienced in days lived before?
But the majority of people do live those days
     and come through them more determined and stronger
Because for every hurdle you conquer,
     the outcome is sure to last longer.
Yet no one can tell you when you're overloaded
     with heartache, grief and pain
To forget the poison that festers your heart
     and begin to laugh again.
But here is something to think about,
     though I doubt that it brings peace of mind.
You're bound to come out with more understanding
     than those who in life are left blind.
Then maybe when your problems a thing of the past,
     you can use it to help someone weaker than you,
through a problem that to them is just as big
     as the one that you've just been through.

Sue Holms
T

Endless Gloom

I find myself living in endless gloom,
it leaps from the walls in every room.
Surely this can't last forever,
happiness always to endeavor,
But where do I look to find a meaning,
when always towards sadness my heart's leaning?
How do I tell my feelings they're wrong,
when I don't even know where I belong!
Wherever I turn the words come through;
"You fool!  Life wasn't meant for you!"

I've got to fight this devil who,
possesses me, yet hates me too.
"I won't let you be satisfied
to crush my life" aloud I cried.
I don't know where to search for life
but sadness cuts me like a knife.
It takes my insides and turns them out,
'til for release I plead and shout:
"Take my arm, my sight, my leg
but give me the will to live" I beg.

And now the question, will I win
and maybe start to live again?
For now in place of rage and fears,
I've drawn a blank instead of tears.
Where is this world where I now live,
where we all love and in turn give?
Where no one questions the other's moves,
where everyone listens to the other's views?
And often times I hear myself say:
"I'm doing just fine-how are you today?"

Sue Holms
October 1973

Evening Horseback Ride

This evening Carl (friend) and I took about a two hour horseback ride around the neighborhood.  I rode Terra, she was a little high strung at first and I was nervous but we ended up having a great ride and she did good.  I really think she loves to get out and just doesn't get to do it enough.  She is starting to mind a little better but still needs some work and she can be temperamental at times too but that is improving too.  She's starting to respond to reining better.  It is me who needs the most practice to get over being so nervous when I'm getting her ready, saddling her and all.  I'm a nervous wreck thinking I'm going to get kicked or something and I know this makes her act up more too.

Bonnie's leg is still swollen but I do believe it has gone down some.  We soaked it again in Epsom Salt, gave her some more Aspirin and then I hosed it down with cool water a couple times today.  I think it is improving, swelling seems less and limping is not so pronounced.

Denise Austin Work Out Video

 One of my favorite work out videos is Denise Austin's Fat Blasting Yoga.  It is Yoga but it's more of a work out and stretching than meditation.  I found I got great results quickly doing it and i like the poses which were pretty and hard but not too crazy like 'pretzeling'.  Denise does a great job of leading you in the tape so it's easy to catch on to and after about 3 times your able to follow right along.  Do expect to work up a sweat with this one though.  Many of the reviews I read said people didn't like it because it was more of a work out than relaxation and it is but that is what I was looking for.  I give it a thumbs up and recommend it to anyone.  It makes you feel and look great.    

Insanity Work out Video

My son, Jacob, who turned 16 years old in April requested the INSANITY: 60-Day Total Body Conditioning Workout DVD Program for his birthday.  He's been doing it for about 5 weeks now and I am really impressed.  The workout is HARD, 45 minutes long, 6 days a week and he's been doing it every night.  He's drenched in sweat when he finishes and isn't able to keep up completely but then again, neither can some of the people featured in the work out.  He does it every night at 9PM.  I don't know why but that's the time he picked and it seems to work well for him.  We did take before pictures and I will post those when I get them downloaded.  The workout truly is "insane" but Shaun T, the guy who leads it, is very inspirational and encouraging.  It's a little pricey which is why Jake got it for his birthday and not just any day but it's a great workout for anyone who wants a true challenge.  Will keep updated on his progress.

Update:
Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Jacob is at his dad's house for the month of June so I have only talked to him on the phone until today.  I know he's still doing his Insanity work out every evening and that about a week ago he entered into "phase 2" of the work out which means the workouts are longer and harder now.  Instead of 45 minutes average they are now about an hour long.  He looks really good though.  His calf muscles are hard as rocks and he says he feels better too.  Now, I must say though that he does NOT look like the transformation promised with the video.  Of course he still has about 4 weeks to go so, we'll see!

Update:
Saturday July 10, 2011

Jacob is back from his dad's house and he looks really good but.......the last three weeks of his workout got sabotaged. They went to "the river cabin" for two weeks and he wasn't able to work out there so it came to a screeching halt.  He's back now and not really able to pick up where he left off because of the time lost but he plans to start the whole thing again from the beginning starting this Monday.  Felt bad for him as he had worked so hard.

Bonnie's Leg Injury

When I went to feed Bonnie yesterday I noticed she was limping on her right back leg.  Carl came over and checked her hoof which didn't show any noticeable injury but we decided to soak her foot in warm Epsom salt.  I don't know if this helped or not.  He also brought over some horse aspirin for pain.  This morning when I fed her, her limp is worse and there is noticeable swelling to the lower leg between her hoof and knee joint.  Gave her some of the aspirin mixed in with her feed and ran cold water over it for the swelling.  Will see how she does.

Follow Up:
Monday 6/13/11

Bonnie's leg is healing nicely.  Her swelling is almost completely gone and she has almost no limp.  The thing that seemed to work the best was resting the limb, applying cold water (from the water hose) on it two or three times a day and I have her horse aspirin for the pain.  These are all with the help of my friend, Carl, who I am so thankful for and don't know how I'd do it without his help.  He is with the Sheriff's Office Mounted Patrol Division as is so good with horses it's impressive.  Thank God for kind people.

127 HOURS

Last night I watched this movie for the second time, this time sharing it with my sister, daughter and son who had not seen the movie before.  I love survival stories and this is a good one.  It's the true story about a man, Aron Ralston, who goes hiking in the remote Blue John Canyon in Utah alone.  He gets his arm trapped between a cliff and a boulder and remains trapped there for 127 hours (about 5 days).  He ends up having to amputate his own arm to get free (warning, the amputation part is tough to watch).  I did research this online after watching it to see how true to facts it is and it was very true.  In fact, they actually left out some good parts!  They did a good job in this movie of putting you there with him and the actor James Franco did an excellent job too.  Actual video recordings, done by Aron while trapped there, are posted on you tube along with a Dateline NBC interview by Tom Brokaw called Desperate Days In Blue Canyon where the real Aron returns to the spot he almost died in.  They went back and retrieved the arm and it took 13 men, a wench and a hydrolic jack to move the boulder.  He was never going to move that rock!  He does talk of the life change that occurred to him through this tragedy, going from being careless with other people's hearts to loving more deeply.  He still climbs mountains though, even with one arm!  What a guy!

TOUCHING THE VOID

Last night my sister and I watched one of my favorite movies, Touching the Void.  I have seen this before but she had not.  It's the true story of two mountain climbers,  Joe Simpson, and Simon Yates who, in 1985, climbed the Siula Grande  mountain in Peru.  This mountain is part of the Andes mountain range , which is the world's highest mountain range outside of Asia.  The story that follows is their fight for survival after they get into trouble on the way down.  It is told by the two actual climbers and it is incredible that they do survive.  I originally learned about this climb when I saw an interview with them on TV to promote Joe Simpson's book by the same name.  It intrigued me so I went and rented the video.  I liked it so I bought it.  I love survival stories and this is definitely one I would recommend.  I give it a 9 out of 10 review.

Summer Starts

So school has ended for the year and summer begins.  This is always bitter sweet for me because while it means a more relaxed and easy time with no worries about grades and homework, early mornings and time schedules, it does mean that I have to spend 30 days without my kids.  Well, almost without.  You see, the two youngest kids go to their dad's house beginning on the last day of school and lasting for 30 days.  He does have to go to work though, and he works for the railroad so when he gets called out he's gone for about two days.  He brings the kids back to my house on those times.  But he takes a 2 or 3 week vacation during this 30 days and at that time I don't see them at all.  I really miss them and worry about them.  You never know what can happen while their gone but that is living life with divorce.  It does suck but not so much as being married did.  I always say; "It's better to be from a broken home than to live in a broken home".  So anyways their gone now.

I plan on spending my time working with our horses who are undisciplined and need training.  Which is not easy because it's like the blind leading the blind.  I haven't had horses in so long I'm like a newby all over again.  So I am needing help with them and (thank God for kind strangers) I have met a new friend who knows a lot about horses and has been very kind and helping me with them.  I am so happy to have them though.  I love them already and we've only owned them since March.  Their names are Terra & Bonnie.  

They look better now as they were about 200 lbs underweight when we got them and they are now up to normal weight.

My 17 year old son, Travis is talking pretty seriously about joining the Marines.  I don't know how to feel about that really but it is what I think he would be good at and he seems excited about it.  We shall see.

Just got back from Austin on a trip to watch my niece graduate from high school cum ladda which means she has maintained a 90% average throughout.  She also gave the opening speech at the graduation and led the Pledge of Allegiance and the Star Spangled Banner and did an excellent job.  She's one of those kids you just have to love.

My trip went really well though as my sister went with me and we enjoyed each others company, I love to see the rolling hills up and around Austin, I got to see my other nieces and nephews and watch one of their baseball games before leaving so all in all good trip.

Oh, doing a bible study sort of.  Reading the Bible from the beginning ( this will be the fourth time) and blogging about it as I go.  The blog spot is called "Be Still and Know That I Am God".  I like it as I get to put my maps and charts and summaries of the story as I go and I feel like I learn a lot about the character of God and His people as I go.  It also increases my own feelings of faith too.

Very bad wreck in town today and my oldest son and daughter in law were right behind it when it happened and got out to render aid.  The guy, maybe in his 20's was speeding, swerved too fast and flipped his car over several times.  He was trapped beneath the car and they had to lift if off of him and he was life flighted out.  Didn't seem like he would make it but don't know.  I feel so sorry for him and his family.  Hoping for the best for him.

My friend lori has been waiting for me to come to her house and make some verde sauce out of some green tomatoes she has and I haven't been able to make it over.  Maybe tomorrow.

Closing for now, in the words of Scarlet Ohara, "tomorrow is another day!"