The Difference Between A Parent and a Step Parent

My first experience in step-parenting was as a step-parent.  I was 19 years old and newly married to Larry.

Scooter Today

 He had a son, Scooter, who was nine years old. Scooter's mom and dad were recently divorced and his mother moved to Dallas, Texas, about five hours away. His mom showed very little interest in him even sending him home early on the rare occasion that he went to visit her. Larry was working evenings from 2PM to 10PM which means he's gone every evening before Scooter gets home from school until after Scooter is in bed. I move in and find myself being the primary caregiver in this kids life, washing his clothes, feeding him dinners, cleaning up after him and helping him with his homework. I was the oldest of five kids, and had spent alot of time taking care of younger kids so this was not something new to me.

But Scooter wasn't like my brothers and sisters. He was an only child who was left alone in the evenings to take care of himself and not allowed to go outside to play after school because there was no adult supervision and Larry wanted him to be safe. Larry would come by and check on him frequently during his shift but there were many hours spent alone and most of those hours were spent watching tv and eating - alot. He was overweight and this was something I could not understand as I came from a family of outgoing, outdoors kids with no weight issues. I thought this needed to be changed. But Scooter wasn't interested in going outside much. He didn't have many friends and because he was overweight he got tired and hot easier than others. Looking back on it he was no doubt depressed as well. So he stayed to what he knew and was comfortable with - watching tv. He also resented my presence there, telling him what to do and taking up his dad's time with him and so he would do or say things to try to start problems between his dad and I. Scooter also often lied about things like when he missed the bus and walked home instead but told us that yes, he had riden the bus. I know now that he was lying because he was afraid he'd get in trouble for missing the bus. Lying had always been a big deal in my family and was a particular issue with me. Of course, Scoot often had trouble in school around this time so homework and notes home from treachers became a problem too.

I proceeded to try to change these things thinking that I was doing him a service by helping him to be a better person and correct some bad habits. (My kids would never do these things). My method was mostly to complain and nag that he ate too much and didn't play outside enough or that he lied and must be made to stop. For the most part his dad agreed with me. My reasoning did make sense after all. How could you argue that a kid shouldn't eat so much when he's overweight right? He was on my side. And don't think for a second that I didn't vent these frustrations to my friends, family and co workers who assured me that the things I was asking were not unreasonable.

The result of my efforts to change these problems was that he began hiding what he ate or lying about it when he got caught. He increased his lying on other issues as well mostly because he was trying to avoid getting in trouble. Not by me but by his dad who was pretty strict. This only increased my feeling that he was not an easy kid to deal with. And the cycle began. Scooter increased his hiding and lying, I increased my complaints.

Mind you I was never abusive to him and I wasn't a bad step-parent. In fact, as step-parents go, I've been told by people who knew us at the time that I was a very good one and he really did like me but there are many things that I look back on now and wish I had done differently. Especially after I started having my own kids and learning more about parenting.

Living with me became sort of like living in someone elses household as a tolerated guest, one that should be greatful for all the things I was doing for him. Why couldn't he appreciate these things? There was one time that stuck out in my mind years later and really opened my eyes to what it must be like to be a step child and what makes the difference between being a parent and being a stepparent.

Scooter is about eleven years old and his room is always dirty. Empty bags of chips laying around, dirty socks laying under the bed and dirty clothes scattered all over. Since I was the one doing the laundry and house cleaning and after all, this wasn't even my child I was pretty agravated. He should appreciate the work I put in to cooking and cleaning and taking him places, helping him with his homework, etc. But no, not only does he not appreciate the things I do for him but he intentionally makes things harder for me. I knew he was angry about his parents divorce, mother leaving, dad being gone all the time, etc. and I didn't blame him but that wasn't my fault, I was the one there for him right? I also felt like I had been cheated out of the young, newlywed marriage I deserved. I mean, Larry and I never had any time to ourselves as Scooter was always there.

One day I tell Scooter that I would not be picking his dirty clothes up off the floor in his room anymore. If he wanted his clothes washed, they needed to be in the dirty clothes hamper from then on. If they weren't, they wouldn't get cleaned. (Doesn't every eleven year old boy want pretty, clean clothes to wear to school? Not). So, Scooter shook his head yes, that he understood. Come laundry day, Scooters in school and I go to gather up all the clothes to wash. Sure enough, none of Scooter's clothes are in the hamper. I go to his room and there lay all the clothes on the floor. I purse my lips tightly together, shake my head in irritation, close the door and proceed to do the laundry for the day-all except his of course. Later, when Scoot had no clothes to wear he had a problem. 'Hmm, what to do'. Well, he couldn't come to me and ask, he knew exactly what I was going to say and that I would be waiting to pounce on this. But he had to do something, he had nothing to wear. So he decides to quietly go to his dad hoping to avoid me.  So he tells his dad that he doesn't have any clothes to wear.  His dad says "Why not? Your 'mother' just washed all the clothes yestarday didn't she? Scooter says "I know, but she didn't wash any of mine." So dad gets a puzzled look on his face and calls me in. "Why doesn't Scooter have any clean clothes to wear, didn't you wash clothes yestarday?" To which I replied, (and God knows I was waiting for this opportunity), "Yes, I washed clothes yestarday and I told Scooter that he needed to pick his clothes up off the floor and put them in the clothes hamper from now on or he wouldn't have any clean clothes to wear and he didn't do it so now he has no clean clothes to wear." So Larry nods his head in agreement, this made perfect sense after all, and told Scoot, "Well, I guess that's your own fault then, you should have done what you were told to do right?" "Yes sir" was Scoot's reply. I am victorious. No one can argue with the logic of these things. Scooter and I exchange a look. I don't recall how or if he got his clothes washed that day and if so, who did it. I'm sure I did not.

Funny, seems pretty normal really. Nothing too bad as far as step-parenting goes. But, fast forward about twenty years. I am now divorced from Larry. I am no longer in charge of Scooter and in fact, he and his dad have moved to another state and I don't ever see or talk to Scooter anymore. I did have a beautiful baby boy before we were divorced and his name is Kyle. He is my life.

There comes a time when Kyle is about eleven years old and his room is always dirty. Empty bags of chips laying around, dirty socks laying under the bed and dirty clothes scattered all over. Jeeze, I get tired of picking up his clothes. He needs to learn some responsibility. You know, kids just don't appreciate what we do for them. So I tell Kyle that I would not be picking his clothes up off the floor in his room anymore. If he wanted his clothes washed they needed to be in the dirty clothes hamper from then on. If they weren't, they wouldn't get cleaned. Kyle shakes his head yes, that he understood. Several days later on laundry day, Kyle in school, I go to gather up all the clothes to wash. Sure enough none of Kyle's clothes are in the hamper. I go to his room and there lay all the clothes on the floor. I purse my lips tightly together, shake my head in irritation and.... walk around the room gathering up his clothes, wash, dry and fold said clothes and put them away.  I certainly wouldn't want my kid going to school looking like something the cat drug in now would I? When I pick Kyle up from school that day (no bus for him, I liked picking him up myself) I tell him that I had to gather his clothes up off his floor again and that we had talked about this and that he needed to do better about that. Okay? "Okay mom I will." Says he to which I reply "Okay, so how was your day at school?

As this scenario played itself out, my mind does a flashback to when it was Scooter and I. How justified I felt at the time and how I really hadn't done anything wrong, it was just the difference between being a parent and being a stepparent. But the difference for the kid is huge. It affects everything about who he is. This is just one example that stood out to me because of the de-ja-vu of it but it was the difference of his life and Kyle's life.

I wished I could go back and tell Scooter that I didn't know and that I'm sorry and if I had it to do over again I would do things differently. That yes, he did lie and cause problems between his dad and I but that I understood why. That I'd be pissed off too if my parents got divorced, my mother left me and my dad was away working so much and then my dad meets this lady and they moved in together and no one asked me what my opinion was about it. And even if they had asked me I still wouldn't have had any choice in the matter. They would have told me why I should be happy about it, that I was just the kid and I don't make the rules in the household and how they know what is best for me. And maybe that's true and maybe I should be thankful for a roof over my head and food in my stomach but still..I'm just so pissed off and I don't really know why. I'd tell him that I understand that he doesn't really appreciate having his clothes washed or his dinners cooked that neither do my own kids most of the time but I do it for them anyways because I love them. I'd tell him that maybe I could have done better.

Years later Scooter is 30 years old and all grown up and taller than me. He's turned into a burley mountain man kind of guy and I love him. We rarely talk but he decides to come and visit me in my new house with my new husband and child and he says to me "You know Debbie, I'm really sorry for being such a little shit to you when I was young. I know that I did things to cause trouble and I lied alot when you and dad were together. I really felt bad when you left and wished I hadn't done those things. I don't know why I did them but I'm sorry and I just wanted to tell you that".

Talk about getting choked up. I walked over to him and hughed him with tears in my eyes. I told him that he had nothing to be sorry for and that it's me who needs to apologize. That I understand now that he was just a kid trying to deal with a difficult situation, a situation in fact caused by the adults in his life, and that he did what any normal kid his age would have done at the time. That I love him and that if I had things to do over again I would do them different with a different understanding of what was going on.

I can't go back and change these things but sometimes I can hopefully help other kids who are in the same situation.  How many times I have heard people at work talking about their step kids and the issues they are having with them and sometimes I 'butt in' with my opinions.  I approach it kindly but try to get my point across because I think that all those kids out there deserve it. They have no voice. Usually my opinion doesn't really matter or change anything but once in a while it does and that matters to me.  Maybe if I had had this kind of advice from someone I would have done things differently. Maybe not, who knows?

Want More?
 "My stepson is impossible! What's a stepmother to do?