The years have lessoned the pain of loosing her (my mother) so much, thank God.  I don't cry very often anymore, or dream about her anymore.  But sometimes, out of the blue, for no particular reason, or maybe for some small thing that jogs some subconscious thing in me, her memory comes to me. And the full scale of the loss, to all of us and each of us; her kids and grandkids, comes whooshing in on me in such a rush that it stops me in my tracks.  I have to find a place to hide while the tears come to my eyes and wait for the feeling to pass.  The sadness is so very great. 
I cannot dwell on this loss and sadness.  That would be so dangerous.  I would become so depressed.  And I cannot be.  I owe that to her and to me and to my siblings and to my children.  So I hold it for a minute or 10 and then let it go.  But for that few minutes it is so, so, so very sad that we lost so much when we lost her.  Some of us are aware of what we lost and some of us have no idea.  But I see how different their lives would have been had we had her all this time.  So sad.

JACOB

jacob is my third child.  He played football for 4 years and the Viola for 3.  He's happy, agreeable and basically easy going as long as you feed him.   

My First Garden

So, in March of this year I started my first ever vegetable garden.  I've been thinking about doing this for several years but just never new how to start so this year I decided to jump right in.  I did alot of research on gardening and in the end I decided to use Mel Bartholomew Square Foot Gardening method.  I've never been very good at keeping things growing so we shall see how it turns out.  I suppose one of two things will happen; either I will find out I love gardening and continue to do it or I'll find out I hate it and it's way too much work and this will be my last one.

The reason I want to grow a vegetable garden is because I really really don't like the quality of food from the grocery stores.  Everything is bland and 'fake' by the time we buy it and I'm sure the nutritional value is at least half of what it's supposed to be.  On the other hand it is also very convenient and since we live in a very busy world it's hard not to just go to the store and buy those apples or carrots.  Probably cheaper too.

So, here is how my garden has progressed:

March 15, 2015

I bought these 4x4 square foot raised garden frames from Home Depot.

They slid together nicely so anyone can do it.

Supposedly a 4x4 raised garden can feed an individual for a year so technically I should have 4 beds, one for each person.  However, since I've never done this before and don't know how it will turn out or if I will like it I decided to start smaller.  

Then I put down a weed barrier which I also bought from Home Depot.

Then I filled each box with Mel's Special Gardening Soil.

It took 6 bags for each box.  This was probably the hardest and most expensive part of getting started because no one sells this soil.  You can order it online from Home Depot but their delivery charge was ridiculous.  The bags cost about $7.00 each ($85.00 total) but the delivery charge was $95.00 which was more than the product itself and that was after I talked them down!  So it ended up costing about $178.00...BUT! the thing about this type of gardening is you don't have to keep adding soil.  Once it's in you just add a scoop or two of compost (I started a compost pile) into just that square whenever you pull up the old and plant something new.  No need to start all over ...supposedly.  We'll see.

The next step is to section the garden off in 1x1 square foot portions.  Mel is insistent this should be done with wooden slats but I had a hard time finding the slats I needed.  Twice I bought what I thought would work and twice they ended up falling just a bit short of the length I needed and on the second time I got frustrated and gave up and used string instead.  Lots of people do this, he just likes it because it makes it look more like an official square foot garden but either way works.

March 15, 2015

Then I watered it down.  This I had to do in layers according to Mel.  Add 1/3 soil then water three times.  Next I began putting the seed in.  These I bought at Walmart, whatever was cheapest.  I planted a bunch of stuff like radishes, lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, marigold, onions, peppers, green beans, etc.  I tried to only plant stuff we actually eat.  Those little posts sticking up are labels I made from the left over wood I bought to section the beds off that didn't work.

I did run into some trouble though, my cat decided this was a great litter box.  After yelling at hime and running him off a couple of times he got the message and I haven't seen him in it again.  (He's such a good cat).  I hope he didn't ruin anything permanently.  And my new puppy thought this looked like a great play/dig area.  Same thing with her and so far she's doing good and staying out of it.  Wish me luck with that!

So here is my garden after one month:

April 13, 2015

You'll notice on the left I bought poles (from walmart) for the green beans and on the right, a tomato cage (also from walmart).

As a side note; I really don't like Walmart since the original owner died and his family took it over.  (See the documentary The High Cost of Low Prices)  They just aren't very ethical but, times are tough, I'm a single mom and I've gotta do what I've gotta do.  Plus, since Walmart has pretty much closed everyone else down, our options are more and more limited.

Orange is the New Black

I watched the first episode of Orange is the New Black on Netflix and much to my surprise I really liked it.  Even though it has some very graphic scenes and some controversial topics I found it funny and interesting and couldn't wait to see the next episode.  I ended up watching the whole season 1 and 2.

This is actually a true story (I love true stories) told by a woman named Piper Kerman, an upper middle class woman sentenced to 15 months in a minimum security prison.  Her character is played by Taylor Schilling and based off the book she wrote about her experience there called Orange is the New Black: My Year in a Women's Prison.

I worked in the county jail for 3 years and trust me, this show wasn't far off!

I also once went on a Bill Glass Prison Ministry where I spent a weekend visiting a women's prison.  We were allowed back into the actual dorms and cafeteria where the women lived, a thing even their families weren't allowed to do.  I talked with women who were sentenced to between 5 and 15 years.  Some of them had experienced things like their mother dying while they were in prison and missing their funerals or children getting sick and being admitted to ICU's and they weren't able to see them.  It was very sad and eye opening for me.  This is not to say I think they should be released or anything.  My time at the county jail convinced me that most people incarcerated are there for a good reason.

I would recommend watching this show but it certainly is not for everyone.  There is a lot of lesbian scenes and harsh talk in it so if your too prudish you won't like it.  As for me....can't wait for season 3 this summer!

My Workouts

Today was Denise Austin Fit and Lite 5:  Hips and Thighs

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BLOG?

Okay so, what happened to my blog?  All my pictures went MIA!  This really sucks.  Don't know if it's something I did or google did but WTH?  I have tried to fix it but no luck so far.  Re-adding pics as I can but it's like what?  Two years worth?  Thought about starting over with a new blog since this was my first one and I've learned alot since I started blogging but I hate to loose the history.  Oh well, I'm really the only one who sees it anyways so I'm going to stick with it for now.  I like that others doing see the blog, except for maybe some random people once in a while that run across it and I don't know them so I'm beginning to feel more comfortable with just being me.  I could give it to friends and family but then I would probably sensor it more so for now I'm keeping it to myself and the other "unknowns" out there in the world.  I like it that way.

MY WORKOUT JOURNAL

I have recently been trying to get back into shape and have started doing yoga again.

I found this really good workout on YouTube and have been doing it.  It's called Ashtanga Yoga - The Practice - First Series by David Swenson.

This is another good video I found and will be alternating it with the others.  It's called Ashtanga Yoga Beginners Practice Full - Nicki Doane

I am also using one of my oldies but goodies: Denise Austin Fat Blasting Yoga

Denise says on her video that if you do her workout at least 3 times a week that in 21 days you will see a difference.  And I've read that it takes 21 days to form a new habit so....here I go!

Beginning Measurements:

Weight: 140 lbs.

Neck: 13"

Bust: 40"

Waist: 36"

Hips: 39"

(L) arm: 10.5"  (R) arm: 10.75"

(L) thigh 21"   (R) thigh 21.5"

(L) calf 13.5"  (R) calf 14"

After 30 days:

hips down 1" to 38
(L) arm up .5 " to 11
(R) arm up .25" to 11
(R) thigh down .5" to 21
(L) calf down .5" to 13
(R) calf down .5" to 13 (Odd, I thought the calf's would have gotten bigger)
It seems I'm evening up right and left sides haha.

Day 1:

Thursday 11/28/2013

Workout # 1

30 minutes Astanga Yoga with Nicki Doane

Day 2:

Friday 11/29/2013

Workout #2

30 minutes Ashtanga Yoga with Nicki Doane

Day 3:

Saturday 11/30/2013

Workout #3

1 hour Ashtanga Yoga with David Swenson

Day 4:

Sunday 12/01/2013

Nothing

Day 5:

Monday 12/02/2013

Workout #4

1 hour Ashtanga Yoga with David Swenson

Day 6:

Tuesday 12/03/2013

Workout #5

40 min. Ashtanga Yoga with David Swenson

Day 7:

Wednesday 12/04/2013

Nothing

Day 8:

Thursday 12/05/2013

Nothing

Day 9:

Friday 12/06/2013

Workout #6

30 minutes Ashtanga Yoga with David Swenson

Day 10:

Saturday 12/07/2013

Workout #7

30 minutes Ashtanga Yoga with David Swenson

Day 11:

Sunday 12/08/2013

Nothing

Day 12:

Monday 12/09/2013

Workout #8

1 hour Ashtanga Yoga with Nicki Doane

Day 13:

Tuesday 12/10/2013

Workout #9 

1 hour Ashtanga Yoga with Nicki Doane

Day 14
Wednesday 12/11/2013
Workout #10
45 minutes Fatblasting Yoga with Denise Austin

At the end of the second week I certainly don't feel that I've formed a new habit yet as I still have to make myself do this everyday and have come perilously close to becoming lazy and letting two days turn into three, etc. so I must still stay disciplined.  What I do when I start getting lazy is something I heard in one of David Swenson's talks.  He says if you don't want to do it that day start with baby steps ie:  i can stand on the mat, and that is what I've been doing and it seems to be working to keep me doing it.
     I do feel much better.  I'm proud of myself for coming this far and not quiting.  I feel more flexible.  I'm less tired during the day and am starting to have more energy.
     As far as physical changes I don't really see any although sometimes I just feel longer and leaner and like my waist is curvier.  I'm a little bit sore especially in my arms but not too bad and that only encourages me as I feel like my workouts are actually doing something.
     I am also ending the workouts with a few minutes meditation time which I have come to love and crave.
     So, it's early but I'm encouraged and will continue.  Onward........

Day 15
Thursday 12/12/2013
Workout #11
30 min. mixed
Not a good workout today as my power suddenly went out in the middle of the video and then it wouldn't reload properly so I had to move to another one in the middle of the workout.

Day 16
Friday 12/13/2013
Workout #12
1 hr Ashtanga Yoga with David Swenson

Day 17
Saturday 12/14/2013
Nothing

Day 18
Sunday 12/15/2013
Workout #13
1 hr Ashtanga Yoga with Nicki Doane

Day 19
Monday 12/16/2013
Nothing

Day 20
Tuesday 12/17/2013
Nothing

Day 21
Wednesday 12/18/2013
Workout #14
1 hr Yoga with Denise Austin

Day 22
Thursday 12/19/2013
Nothing

Day 23
Friday 12/20/2013
Workout #15
1 hr Yoga with Denise Austin

Day 24
Saturday 12/21/2013
Workout #16
1 hr Yoga with Dense Austin

Day 25
Sunday 12/22/2013
Nothing

Day 26
Monday 12/23/2013
Nothing

Day 27
Tuesday 12/24/2013
Nothing

Day 28
Wednesday 12/25/2013
Nothing

Day 29
Thursday 12/26/2013
Nothing

Day 30
Friday 12/27/2013
Nothing

At the end of 30 days:  Sort of fell off the last week (It was Christmas Week after all).  But I'm not quitting.  I definitely feel better, stronger, leaner, prettier.  But it's mostly a change only I see and feel at this time.  I am favoring doing Denise Austin's workout above the others as it is just a more intense workout and I feel like I'm getting "more bang for my buck" so-to-speak.  Lets see: measurements:  hmmmmm

hips down 1" to 38
(L) arm up .5 " to 11
(R) arm up .25" to 11
(R) thigh down .5" to 21
(L) calf down .5" to 13
(R) calf down .5" to 13 (Odd, I thought the calf's would have gotten bigger)
It seems I'm evening up right and left sides haha.

Well, small changes but I kind of think the next 30 days will see a bigger change.  The first 30 days seems to be more getting conditioned enough just to 'do' the exercises and becoming disciplined.  Now I feel stronger and my workouts feel more focused.  OK, next 30 days,her I come!  I am going to start my workout count over and my plan is to get in at least 12 workouts in in the next 30 days!

Day 31
Saturday 12/28/2013
Nothing

Day 32
Sunday 12/29/2013
Workout #1
1 hr Yoga with Denise Austin

MY 'GOD SPOT' BLOG

Well, I decided that I needed a separate blog for my "God stuff".  I was intermingling it with this blog but found it needed it's own life so I gave it one.  It's my "God Spot"  So I moved all that kind of stuff ie; my bible readings and studies, maps, etc. over to my new blog.  It's called BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.  You can click on this highlight and move over to it if you like.

AMERICAN HISTORY X

American History X has got to be one of the biggest sleeper movies of all times.  I first watched this movie several years ago because my brother told me it was a great movie.  How I missed it before that I'll never know and how so many other people have never heard of it or seen it is a mystery to me.  This would definitely be one of my top 10 movies to see.  No, top 5!  This movie, starring Edward Norton is intense, hard core and very deep.  It does an incredible job of depicting hate in it's various forms and how it destroys people.  It also does an incredible job of showing how a family is torn apart and changed after the death of the father.  A family that goes from being a mom, dad and kids living in a nice house living a nice, normal life to being a family that is poor, the kids spiraling out of control and barely limping along.  Edward Norton is an amazing actor here showing many faces in this movie and doing each one great.  He is a young teen, listening to his father at the dinner table, a whit supremacist filled with hate and violence, an inmate, a young man trying to get his family back together and on their feet and save his little brother and a grief stricken man.  He goes from bad guy to good guy and does both so well.

THE DEATH OF MY MOTHER

 My mother died when I was 17 yrs old.  She was 35.  She was killed in a car accident.  She fell asleep driving one night and ran into the back of an 18 wheeler and was killed instantly.   That night she had a special job she was doing.  She had been picked as the hostess from her Steak and Ale to go to a job in Houston to represent her Steak and Ale from the Clear Lake area. So, she got off late and was tired and that's how she ended up dying in a car accident.  At home there were 5 kids asleep.  I was the oldest and that night I left a note for her on the kitchen table asking her to wake me up when she got home and let me know she got home safely.  She never did.


The death of my mother has been the most profound event in my life.  It is a story that is inside me and that I need to tell.  It is the story of five kid's struggle to cope with loss, heartache and tragedy.  It is the story of how, in an instant, unexpected events can change everything you know to be true and good and right and how your whole world can be turned upside down, changing everything about who you are or ever were going to be.  It is my story as seen through my eyes.  Whether it is interesting to anyone else or not I do not know but I have begun putting my story in words on another blog entitled "There Were Five of Us".  You can click on that link and see it if you like.  I am writing it in memory of my mother and father, both now deceased, and in honoring my brothers and sisters who have traveled this journey too in their own ways.  I love you all.

All the Holms' June 1973

Back Row: Reisa, Sue, Dean, Richard

.  Front Row: Jill, Debbie, Richy,

UPDATE ON MOVE

So, lots has changed since I last blogged.  I moved to a new house, same city, kids stayed in same school.  Moved the horses to a new place which I really like. I got a new job.  Got promoted!  Became the Director of Nurses at the County Jail.  It has been a lot of work and lot to learn but I am really enjoying it.  My truck broke down and I put it in the shop.  I get it out tomorrow for a small (ha ha) fee of $1,318.00 (ugh).  Oh well, the good thing is it will be running better and safer and it won't make that embarrassing squeaking noise with every bump.  Hope to post more often.

A POEM BY MY DAUGHTER, MEAGAN JOHNSON

I Am....

I am an artist.

Some see their life in number.

Some see their life in diction.

But I?  I see the world in colors.

I see smooth, open plains,

ready to be molded with light.

I am a leopard moving fluidly,

through tall, shining grass

to shape a world of meaning.

I'm one hundred shades of light

that change with my scene.

I am a creator of silent wind,

of motionless water,

of frozen time.

But to me it all moves,

because I...am an artist.

I am an actor.

To mold my deepest emotions is my field.

My field of colorful flowers I mold to my my liking.

I am a conformist to the person I am told to be

on a bright, open stage.

I become a different being in the spotlight.

I amplify the smallest emotions

to create a new person.

To others, that's all it is...an act.

But to me,

it's an art.

I am a musician.

I am a musician who finds herself when she's lost.

Who finds herself by getting lost.

I know how to lose myself

in the rushing waters of my sound.

I am a builder of walls around my soul

just to tear them down

with fluid, unforgiving music.

I am a musician who breaths in the water

when I find myself drowning.

I find myself when I am lost.

I find myself by getting lost.

I am a musician.

I am a searcher.

I search through the movement of

one hundred sounds in one.

I search through the changes in my soul

to be another.

I search through ten-thousand colors together

to make a moment.

I'll search for solace in a world

where peace is underrated,

options are limited,

and too many are dejected.

Where the road to understanding

is broken, long and lonely.

But still I search because I

am a searcher,

of serenity,

of peace,

of understanding,

of balance.

But I am most of all...me.

I am still searching for myself

in the ice of the stars,

in the rush of the wind,

in the crash of the waves.

Through art, music, acting, and life,

I am searching for me.

Meagan Johnson
13 years old

December 2012

WARNING SIGNS OF A HEART ATTACK

Years ago, if you had a heart attack it was very likely you would not recover.  However, with advancement of modern medicine, people are now surviving heart attacks and going on to live long, productive lives.  Today we are better educated about what to watch out for and what to do if we think someone is having a heart attack.  If you know the warning signs of a heart attack and act promptly you will have a greater chance of surviving a heart attack or assisting someone else who might be having a heart attack.    Some warning signs of a heart attack are textbook and include chest pain described as "tightness" or "heaviness".  People will often report feeling like an elephant is sitting on their chest.  They may also report that the pain radiates down their arm or up into their jaw.  Another classic symptom is nausea and or vomiting.  Many people will break out in a cold, drenching sweat and most will complain of shortness of breath.  While these are textbook signs of a heart attack, not all people have textbook heart attacks.  Often, the signs are more subtle and slow and some people will have no pain at all.  This is particularly true of diabetics.  The important thing to remember if you suspect you might be having a heart attack is that "Time is Muscle".  The heart is a muscle and therefore needs oxygen in order to survive just like any other part of your body.  If you were to put a tourniquet around your arm you would deprive that arm of oxygen and blood supply you would begin to experience pain and if left on long enough your arm would eventually fall off.  The same is true of the heart.  If a part of the heart muscle is not receiving adequate blood supply you will begin to experience pain, a warning sign that something is wrong.  If blood supply is not restored soon, that part of the heart muscle will eventually die and it cannot be restored which means you would be left with only part of your heart's ability to contract or pump as before.  This is why seeking prompt medical attention is so important.  The sooner you get to the hospital, the sooner the medical staff is able to remove the blockage and restore blood supply to that portion of the heart, thus saving you heart muscle for later use.  So, while it may be scary to think you are having a heart attack, if you know the warning signs to look for and you seek prompt medical attention you may be saving yourself precious heart muscle for later use and a longer life.

Dear Blog, I miss you.

Haven't posted in so long I thought I might be done but....I miss blogging!  So, we got moved, over to my friend Lori's house.  We stayed with her and her husband Herbert October, November and December.  Then, in January we moved a three bedroom two bath trailer onto land behind their house.  We have been working very hard on getting electricity, water, sewage, etc.  We are building a fence around it now.  Of course, as soon as we moved the trailer in it started raining frequently so things have been muddy.  Well, at least the drought is over.  The kids really like our new 'homestead' and our horses seem to be quite happy there as well.  Our view is great, we can see our horses out of the kitchen window every day.

So, update on very one:

I got a new job finally, working with the Galveston County Jail in the medical department.

Kyle changed jobs and is now working as a waiter at Olive Garden in Bay Area.

Dean still works for Petco.  She got put on her parent's insurance so she can finally start getting better care for her diabetes. yea!

Travis is taking college courses to become an EMT.  Surprisingly he really seems to enjoy the medical field...who knew?

Jacob is taking Drivers Ed.  it's so much easier with him than with Travis and I'm happy I don't have to worry about having a heart attack before it's all over with.

Meagan is getting into a new fashion trend, 'Scene' which I think is really quite cute.  Got the clothes, the make up and the hair cut.   Hey, may as well have fun while you can right?

Terra and Bonnie are fine, happy but not ridden much.  This will probably change along with the time change
.
The Bearded Dragons are still with us.  Lizzy, the female looks so old and frail I don't know how much longer she will last but so far so good.

Andi is still with us but that's not necessarily a good thing.  He's just so...irritating!

Anyways, just an update.  Back soon I hope!

Good bye blog :)

STILL MOVING

But almost done.  Tired.

Still Moving

Meagan made it to school today.
S-t-i-l-l       M-o-v-i-n-g..........

Job Offers

Two new job offers today!
One from Christus St. John's Ambulatory Services
Another from Carol Young Facility.

MEAGAN'S SICK

Meagan home from school today, runny nose and 103.7 temp!  Tylenol brings it down though.

Everything sold

OMG, I just watched a moving van leave with practically everything I own in it.  Good for me though, everything has sold except my bed and dresser.  Clean start.

Moving

Moving, selling everything, what a pain.  Oh well, that's one way to "declutter" I guess.  Clean slate.