The years have lessoned the pain of loosing her (my mother) so much, thank God. I don't cry very often anymore, or dream about her anymore. But sometimes, out of the blue, for no particular reason, or maybe for some small thing that jogs some subconscious thing in me, her memory comes to me. And the full scale of the loss, to all of us and each of us; her kids and grandkids, comes whooshing in on me in such a rush that it stops me in my tracks. I have to find a place to hide while the tears come to my eyes and wait for the feeling to pass. The sadness is so very great.
I cannot dwell on this loss and sadness. That would be so dangerous. I would become so depressed. And I cannot be. I owe that to her and to me and to my siblings and to my children. So I hold it for a minute or 10 and then let it go. But for that few minutes it is so, so, so very sad that we lost so much when we lost her. Some of us are aware of what we lost and some of us have no idea. But I see how different their lives would have been had we had her all this time. So sad.
I cannot dwell on this loss and sadness. That would be so dangerous. I would become so depressed. And I cannot be. I owe that to her and to me and to my siblings and to my children. So I hold it for a minute or 10 and then let it go. But for that few minutes it is so, so, so very sad that we lost so much when we lost her. Some of us are aware of what we lost and some of us have no idea. But I see how different their lives would have been had we had her all this time. So sad.
